Am I Doing this Right? What am I Supposed to Feel?

How do you meditate?

I began my meditation journey when I was eight years old. My mother was adamant to get us all to meditate. Undoubtedly she had all the right in the world, but it was a challenge to say the least. 

I remember questioning every second that went by, am I doing this right? How do I meditate? What am I supposed to feel? Am I allowed to move? What am I supposed to hear? See?

Questioning myself every step of the way, I gave up. 

Out of fear of not doing life right according to my mothers worldview, which in no way was imposed or enforced in a negative way –  I started to explore meditation in movement. But I couldn’t shake this idea of guilt, of feeling that I was masking something by avoiding the traditional sit down like a Yogi in lotus position with my eyes closed. 

Meditation can be done any which way, but I was masking something –  the notion that I had it all figured out. 

(I know now that this was a pivotal moment in the saying ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’)

I was afraid, embarrassed and shaming myself that I was not doing it the right way. 

I put a lot of pressure on myself. (I still do – I’m a masterpiece in progress ok?)

But what did it mean? To meditate the right way? 

Turns out I had it all backwards. There is no right way. There are many ways, and each way is unique to the person you are. 

Who would’ve thought?

We’ve all been conditioned to believe that there is one way to do things – the truth is there is no one way to do anything.  

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was eight years old, this added more pressure for me to be seen as doing and being the best I could, I wanted to make her proud. Without realizing that simply being honest about where I was at, IS doing and being the best I could be. 

Meditation was a common conversation growing up, and spirituality was symbolized through crystals and homemade essential oils in every corner of the house. It was beautiful. 

Yet I always had a lingering feeling of performance, coming from myself, or rather my insecurities. 

This however turned out to be a great gift. 

It brought me to face this insecurity later on in life and be on the journey I am today. 

Through the years following my mothers death, she died when I was eighteen, I enjoyed running from myself, partying, socializing, and experimenting with all kinds of fast pace extremes. During a very important period of stillness and peace, I found myself going to a meditation event, an introduction to Vedic Meditation. 

This is where I learned how to connect with meditation, the event was run by Light Watkins, my go to meditation teacher still today. (I recommend you sign up for his daily doses of inspiration – they are wonderful emails I look forward to everyday. Yes, everyday.) 

I got the confidence to try it again, to try and sit still and allow my thoughts to wander. Without fear I breathed through them all, letting each thought (that would have sent me into a negative spiral) pass through, accepting that behind each thought is a little girl who didn’t think she was good enough. But that’s not the truth, it is an idea that has been put there through years of not building my self loving voice. 

So I hugged her and loved her with every passing thought. 

Letting go of my attachment to each one of these thoughts…

Here is what I learned: Meditation is not some unattainable experience of where you become a monk, or Buddah, but rather you setting an intention for yourself for five minutes (or however long you meditate for), and doing your best to hold the focus on the intention. 

We all have wandering thoughts, they don’t go away. But those wandering thoughts are important.  It is those wandering thoughts we must detach from and every time your mind wanders, you lovingly bring yourself back to your intention. 

It’s like learning a new instrument, only the instrument is your mind. 

Take it slow, and you’ll start to hear the beautiful music your mind can create. But in order to get to the beautiful sound, you gotta allow the not so beautiful sound come and go. Knowing that it’s temporary and a passing part of you stressed and in pain, not all of you. 

You are so beautiful, but  beauty comes from your place of peace and love. 

There are so many different types of meditation, but I’m glad I started with Vedic: Mantra based meditation of which you have a mantra or affirmation and repeat it to yourself while you connect with your breath. The more you keep focus on the mantra, your body adapts, falls deeper into relaxation and it’s just a beautiful feeling.  

It is learning about being in your body.

How cool is that? 

Our body is the vessel for our spirit, it is the protective shell of our beautiful soul. Our soul, that has the capacity to experience beauty and community in this incredible experience we call life on this earth. 

Our bodies are our first relationship, and yet I felt that I had been running away from mine. Meditation helped me start the loving relationship with my body again. 

Your body requests the pleasure of the presence of your mind. 

There is no right or wrong with mediation, you are simply creating a moment of peace of mind for your body to tell you what it’s feeling. 

You’ll be surprised at how solutions come to you once you allow yourself the space to feel. 

I hope you give your mind a chance to connect with your body. 

You’re worth it.