What if your desire to help someone change says more about YOU than them?
Ever think you’re gonna change someone? I don’t know about you but in past relationships I am guilty of thinking that I could help my partner grow out of something that I didn’t like about them. Heck I am guilty of thinking this way about the people I love around me, not just romantic partners.
Dare I say I thought I could change them.
I would get so angry. Looking back I laugh with and hug that past version of myself.
But I was wrong. So wrong. We cannot change anyone that doesn’t want to change. And to think that we can? Man do we think highly of ourselves.
I thought that I needed to mould them into something (in my opinion I thought) greater than they already are. Eventually I learned that what I really wanted was them to either be more like me, or what I thought I needed/wanted around me.
But that is not who they are, and it was up to me to let go of my control issues and surrender to the situation at hand.
Believing someone needs to change implies they aren’t enough as they are in this very moment. In our efforts to mould them, we often overlook the subtle cues that reveal what they truly need and miss the chance to support them in a way that honors their journey.
We think that we’re better than they are.
It’s coming from the ego. Not the heart.
You can try to come back at me and say that it’s not true, that every situation is different. Don’t get me wrong, every situation is unique and its own, but when it comes to us thinking we are better than and therefore need to change someone… It’s all the same.
You may have all the love in your heart when you think of changing another person. But the truth is you think you are superior to them.
We can want the best for someone, we can provide them with all our tools in our toolbox that we’ve filled up over time. In the hopes that our tools can help them along their journey. But we can’t actually give them the tools they need if we don’t listen to what their needs are.
I know this might not sit well with everyone.
It’s easy to feel defensive when faced with the idea that our intentions to “help” or “improve” someone might come from a place of ego rather than love.
You might be thinking, “But I truly want the best for them.” And that may be true. But the truth doesn’t negate your good intentions, it challenges you to dig deeper.
To ask yourself: Am I truly supporting this person for who they are, or am I imposing my vision of what I think they should be?
Growth and change only happen when they come from within, and as much as we wish otherwise, we cannot force someone into that space.
We should all strive to grow, to become better than we were yesterday, a year ago, even to be better than we were a minute ago. We all have that choice. But it’s our unique choice that is ours and ours alone.
No one can make that choice but our individual self.
With every passing moment, we stand at the crossroads: to grow and evolve or remain unchanged.
In order to grow and evolve we need to ask ourselves some tough questions.
At this moment in my life the question I am asking myself mostly is whether or not something I am doing or saying comes from my ego or my heart.
The way my body responds is quite simple, if it’s from my heart I feel safe, warmth, love. If it’s from my ego it feels uncomfortable, dare I say a little painful. Not pain as is throbbing physical pain or anything like that, but more like it comes from the pain when we are sad. That’s the best way I can describe it at the moment.
Circling back to the idea of superiority…
When we think someone needs to change, we’re positioning ourselves as the authority on what’s “right” or “better.”
It’s a subtle, often unconscious belief that we know best, not just for ourselves, but for someone else’s life too.
That’s a heavy weight to carry, and honestly, an exhausting one to keep up.
We’re all flawed, evolving, and navigating our own unique challenges. To assume the role of another’s guide without their invitation is not only arrogant but also diminishes their agency. It robs them of self-discovery.
And here’s the irony: in trying to “fix” them, we often reveal the parts of ourselves that need the most attention.
What if instead of trying to change someone, we embraced the radical act of meeting them where they are? Not from a place of control, but from one of acceptance and humility.
True connection doesn’t come from shaping someone into our ideal, it comes from accepting who they are and allowing them to be fully seen, just as they are.
So be you, do you, and let others be who they are. If being you is trying to change the people you love around you, then it’s time to look in the mirror.
The right people will also be presented to you, especially the more authentic you are being yourself.
I’m learning to let go of my control issues. I invite you to reflect on the areas of your life you seek most control of, and next time you find yourself judging someone else for not being the version you think they should be–ask yourself if this judgement is coming from your ego or your heart.
I can almost guarantee you it’s coming from your ego, anything that separates you as superior to others usually does.
Ultimately, our desire to change others often reflects our own fears, insecurities, or unmet needs.
Real connection starts when we release control and embrace others as they are, imperfections and all.
Our power lies in meeting people where they are and focusing on our own growth.
When we nurture our deeper self, we don’t only free ourselves from the weight of control but also inspire those around us to grow in their own time.
So, let’s let go of the need to control, trust in our relationships (people are in our lives for a reason!), and honour the beauty of each unique journey, including our own.